Good Times In The Old Town

Let me start off by saying that being 50 sucks! One of the rites of passage (even though I’m closing in on being 51) is the dreaded colonoscopy. I remember going through it with Mark. I really hope that I didn’t mock him too horribly for what he was going through. Because now I’m in the same boat.

All the cups lined up with the appropriate dose of powder, just waiting to be filled with the drink of my choice, except booze. The instructions said absolutely no booze.

Cup 1 – White grape/peach juice. Tasty. Not horrible. Now we sit and wait.

Cup 2 – Apple juice. Tasty. A little gritty, but drinkable. By this time with Mark he was starting the whole shitting problem. Not me. Still waiting.

Cup 3 – A little bit of apple juice, then topped off with water. Water is not recommended. There is no flavor to help you get past the grittiness of the solution. Still waiting.

Cup 4 – Orange juice. Not as good as the white grape/peach or apple juice. The thickness of the orange juice doesn’t pare well with the grittiness of the Miralax. Stomach is VERY rumbly. Totally have to pee. But that is all. No success with the beginning of the prep.

Cup 5 – Orange juice. I wish I’d have had the foresight to have a better variety of juices on hand. I have cranberry juice, but the directions say that under no circumstances am I to drink cranberry juice (or any other red colored liquid, for that matter). Stomach is very rumbly. To the point of being uncomfortable. If something doesn’t start moving along soon I don’t know if I am going to be able to do this.

Cup 6 – Orange juice. So sick of the orange juice but that’s all I’ve got left. Certainly not going to the store to find another type of juice because with my luck, the moment I step into the store will be the moment that everything decides to break loose. I will just sit on my couch and toot. Still waiting for the real deal, but holy mackerel, farting up a storm.

Cup 7 – Orange juice. Motherfucker, something has got to give!! The stomach is gurgling to beat the band, the farting is spectacular, but there is no cleansing going on here. Gotta make more juice. Orange, because that’s what I’ve got. Stupid lack of foresight!

And we’ve moved from “uncomfortable” to “in pain.” Officially cranky!

Cup 8 – Orange juice, because—you know—I just made some. Still nothing. Still waiting. What the fuck. What the ever-lovin’-fuck!

Cup 9 – How about some tea? Orange juice is getting seriously old. So…tea, it is. Ew, ew, ew! Tea is disgusting! I’d rather drink beer.

Success. No more gurgling. I’m pretty sure I saw some of Lou Malnati’s pizza coming through.

Cup 10 – Orange juice. AGAIN! Still movin’!

Cup 11 – Orange juice. Pain in my lower right side. It’s a type pain that I sometimes get when I’m constipated so it seems weird that I would have it now, when I am anything BUT constipated!

Cup 12 – Orange juice.

Cup 13 – Orange juice.

Cup 14 – What else? Orange juice. It may have taken longer, but I think with the amount of juice I’ve put down, I shouldn’t have needed the Miralax.

The best part? I get to get up at 4:15 in the morning and do four more rounds before I go in to be violated!

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