Culmination Of Hell

In the last month there has been a lot of silence.



I think I may have run out of words. Too frustrated to come up with them.

Frustration at work.

Frustration at my place off the grid.

Frustration at our political environment.

Frustration with race training.

Frustration with health issues.


The culmination of all this has me in a really bad head space. In this, I find an inability to express in even the simplest thoughts.

I can’t (shouldn’t) talk about work in this venue. Nothing about my place of the grid would make any sense to anyone. I won’t even get started on the political aspect. Too many feelings about what’s going on to even go down that road. Race training – safe enough topic. Health issues – irritating, but there’s a plan in place.

So. Race training. I had a good plan. I didn’t follow the plan 100% but I did my best under the circumstances (health issues). This leaves me one week away from race day feeling VERY under prepared and to be perfectly honest, a LOT concerned about my ability to complete the race. My last long run was a 10 miler and my hips were painful (not achy, but painful) by mile 8.5 and I walked the last bit of my long run. Since I’ve been tapering I’ve been doing a lot of no impact things (biking or walking) just to try and get my hips feeling better before race day arrives. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do. My legs are TIRED. My hips and knees are sore. My feet are sore. My muscles are TIRED.

I think the tiredness is exacerbated by the health issues. Hypothryoidism (confirmed with my latest blood work). The fatigue is dumb. I get home from work (stupid, stupid work) and plop on my bed and doze for half hour just so that I can get up the gumption to get out the door for a run. On my long runs, the overwhelming exhaustion hits anywhere between mile 7 and 9. So the final 5k(ish) in my race I know is going to be brutal. I’m hoping beyond hope that the race atmosphere gives me that boost that I’ll need. I’m trying to not go into a complete tailspin because I know the race environment is a big pick-me-up.

I just want to finish the race so that I never have to think about another half marathon ever again. And then I see this….

And my head explodes! ONLY A WEEK TO GO!!!! I’m gonna die! Panic! Freak out!! It’s all grey. Only a week’s worth of color. I’m not sure I can do this. And that really sucks.

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