Working On It

My sister and I are doing a self portrait photo challenge this month. This is so far out of my comfort zone. When I was younger (read: thinner) I liked being in photos. I was a bit of a ham, in fact. Now when I know someone is taking my picture I try to be as goofy as possible to hide the insecurities about what my body has become throughout the trials of life.

As much as I think I’m comfortable in my skin, seeing pictures of me is this glaring reminder that I’m not at all comfortable.

I’ve always been thin. I’ve always identified as thin. Svelte, even. It’s how I still see myself in my mind’s eye. And then I see a picture of me. Or look in the mirror after getting out of the shower. All that body confidence goes swiftly it the window.

The things I know about my body:

  • I know I am strong.
  • I know I can keep up with folks younger than me.
  • I know I birthed four large babies
  • I know I’ve come back from botched surgeries strong and healthy.
  • I know that my insides (for the most part) are healthy.

I understand that the body image standard in this country are so far out of whack with reality, and healthy even. So why is it that I look at that picture and see, not a woman doing something she loves, but only rolls where rolls shouldn’t be?

It’s something I’m working on, but it’s hard to change a decades long mindset.

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