Have you ever chosen to do something that you KNEW was going to push you beyond the limits of what you thought was possible?
Have you ever chosen to step out of your comfort zone and reach for the ridiculous?
Have you ever chosen to do the thing that would make you dig down as deep as you could for the very last ounce of will power you could muster?
I normally don’t. I’m one of those that loves adventure and trying new things, but only as long as it fits within my level of security. If there’s a chance that I will fail, I simply do not attempt it. If I’m not 100% confident then just forget it. I won’t do it. That thing in my brain that tells me I have to be good at everything I do keeps me on this plane of operation that inhibits growth. Inhibits change.
I’ve known this about myself for a very long time. I put on the bravest face for the world to see and to all those except the very closest people to me, I am quite obviously indestructible. And they should think that because that’s what I tell them. I am indestructible! All they see is the cocky, confident mask. They don’t see the wavering doubt that perpetually plagues me.
Ah, the wavering doubt. Such a delightful demon to have as a companion. The little voice telling me it’s too much. Why bother? I won’t be as good as the others. What an embarrassment. A slow drag on a team of youngsters.
For months I’ve pushed that voice aside and pressed forward. Some days seeing progress. Some days seeing only failure. All days trying to get out of my head. Scrolling through data so that I can see that I’m getting faster. Flipping through pictures so that I can see that I’m getting stronger. Looking for any visible sign that I’ve done the right thing by accepting a challenge that is so far above and beyond my physical limitations. Fighting every day to escape the internal noise that tells me I can’t.
I am strong. But am I strong enough? Only time will tell. Less than two months time.
And what if I fail?