Ye Olde (fillintheblank)

Age is just a number. It always has been. I thought it always would be. But I’m telling you, the past two weeks I feel like I am losing my fucking mind!

Case in point:

  • I’ve switched to more bran, so I’ve been making bran muffins. I posted about that a couple of weeks ago. Two Sundays ago I decided to do a double batch. I put them in the oven, set the time, grabbed my dinner and headed to the TV room to watch football while I ate. AND…I did not hear the timer go off. I don’t really know what jarred me out of my stupor (half time, probably) but I jumped out of my recliner and headed down the hall, smelling the smoke before I could even see it. Burned to a crisp! Two dozen muffins! For the purpose of accuracy, I will call them bricks! They were rock hard and black. I know that you think that’s what bran muffins are supposed to be like, but NO. You don’t quite understand. They clinked when they hit the floor. And I know this because I wanted to see what kind of sound they made if I dropped one. So I dropped on and it clinked. I warned my husband that I was armed and dangerous.
  • At our place off the grid last weekend. Getting all settled in. Got Jake’s bed from out of the shed to bring into the camper. Put the food away. Made the bed. Put away the clean towels. Put away the dishes that were sitting in the drainer from the previous week. Left to go see friends. Got back into the camper around 1am. Let Jake out to pee. Went to bed. Woke up in the morning. Let Jake out to pee. He was smacking his lips and opening and closing his mouth like he had cotton in it. COTTON MOUTH! Because I forgot to put water down for him when we got there!! 18 hours with no water!!! What the ever-lovin’ fuck!
  • Cooking again. Last Thursday my husband was at volleyball. I thought I would surprise him with fresh cookies when he got home. I had bought some of that frozen cookie dough from one of my colleague’s kids and it was thawed out in my fridge. So I put a dozen balls of cookie dough on the sheet, put it in the oven, set the timer on the microwave AND the timer on my phone and went to start cleaning the bathroom. The timer on my phone went off (two minutes before the other timer) so I went into the kitchen to start getting my dinner plate together. The timer in the kitchen went off. I shut it off, checked the cookies, realized they weren’t done, so I started wiping down the counters while I waited for the two minutes I’d need before I could check them again. As I wiped the counters I had to move my plate that had my dinner on it and thought, “Well, shit, I need to eat that before it gets cold.” And away I went with my dinner into the TV room (sensing a theme yet) so that I could put my feet up and eat. I mindless flipped through the channels, checked facebook, looked through some pictures, and….What is that smell? FUCKING COOKIES!!! So I ran down the hall to a kitchen once again filled with smoke. Burnt, flat discs. I resisted the urge to see if the goddamn cookies could break a window if I threw it hard enough!
  • Every day when I get home I grab the mail before heading into the house. One bill, three pieces of junk mail. Mark got home later and asked if we got any mail. I said yes…one bill. And it was…. I just had it…. I put it…. IN THE OUTSIDE GARBAGE, because of course I did. My intention was to toss the junk mail and put the bill in the mail container in the kitchen like I always do. But somehow, those twenty steps or so between my mailbox and my outdoor garbage cans was too long a distance for my brain to retain any sort of knowledge, and out the bill went.
  • Getting ready for work just like I always do. Rushing a little because I had a doctor’s appointment. Jake was following me around. And around. And around. I finally went, “Jake, go lay down!” He hung his head and went to his bed like I told him to. Then I left for my doc’s appointment. Then I got to work. Then I went, “Ah shit!” I hadn’t given him his food like I do first thing off when I get out of bed in the morning. No wonder he was following me around. Bad mom.
  • Went to volleyball last week. Tweaked my back. Hobbling like a 90 year old woman ever since (two days ago). It’s getting better. Still can’t sleep.
  • Got three precancerous things froze off my face. I have what looks like hideous age spots trying to heal. Concealer will not cover it. I feel like I should wear some sort of veil. Yes, children, I realize that halloween is over, but I can’t remove the old lady mask just yet!
  • Thought I’d give the bran muffins another chance. Adjusted the recipe to add pumpkin to it. Used greek yogurt instead of buttermilk. Add this. Take away that. Consistency is perfect. Into the pan they go. Set the timer on my phone. Set the timer in the kitchen. Did dishes. Wiped down counters. Didn’t leave the kitchen for the full twenty minutes because I LEARN! Boiled some eggs. Had them soaking in cold water before I transferred them back into their container. Timer went off. Took the muffins out of the oven. They looked…weird. I got them out of the muffin tins. Pulled off a piece of the muffin and took a bite. NO SUGAR! In all my adjustments I had left out the sugar. Now, the recipe doesn’t call for a whole lot of sugar, but trust me when I tell you that having zero sugar in a muffin, especially a BRAN muffin, is disgusting. Yet another batch of something being tossed in the garbage.

I don’t even know. The brain. It’s just gone! I tell Mark these stories and he just nods his head and goes, “I know, Baby. I know.”

2 thoughts on “Ye Olde (fillintheblank)

  1. I could utter the same thing as Mark. I know, baby. Reading the part about leaving sugar out of the recipe broke my heart a tiny bit. There is nothing worse than having your baked goods ruined. 0-3 😣

    I have resorted to using a timer for cooking at nearly every meal. At our house, the smoke detector is wired into our alarm system. This means if it goes off, the sound is deafening. The fire department is also notified if our alarm company doesn’t reach me fast enough. So, yeah. You’ll see me freak if I burn even a piece of toast.

    You have my deepest sympathies. I have lists similar to this. At least I’m in good company!

    • Hah. Well, I’m glad to know that Mark and I are not alone in this. And I’m really glad my smoke alarm isn’t tied to the fire department. “No worries, boys. Mrs H is just cooking again.” 😀

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