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This morning I took Jake to the vet for his annual shots and haircut. I took the day off work so that I could get things done around the house in preparation for all the company that will be coming next week. Originally, I had planned on boarding Jake over the weekend, but other plans fell through so it is just a day trip for him.

I got there and got him settled in the kennel while I filled out paperwork of things that needed to be done when the vet’s wife said, “We sedate him for his shave, right?”

“No, he’s never needed it, but he did have to have Ellie in the room with him….” And then I couldn’t talk. My words stopped. Completely unable to mutter so much as a syllable. The vet’s wife jumped in and said, “We’ll see how it goes.” I turned to leave and Jake began crying. That high pitched howl that he’s been doing when I first walk into the house at the end of the day, and when I leave the house at the beginning of the day. It’s his “am I ever going to see you again” cry. He only started doing this since Ellie’s been gone.

I bee-lined for the truck. I had to get out of ear shot of his voice. I had to get away from the memories of my last trip there. I backed out of the driveway and the tears began to spill. It was an unexpected reaction to a very normal task. I didn’t wake up this morning with dread, thinking OMG this is my first trip out there since Ellie died. I didn’t wake up wondering how Jake would do at the vet without Ellie. None of those things crossed my mind. It was just another day. Another task to cross of my list of things to do before the wedding. It was just….unexpected emotion. It was NOT part of my plan for the day.

I can’t believe how much I still miss her!

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Will the unplanned meltdowns ever end?

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