A while back I talked briefly about Big Dan (last bullet point). His wife sends regular updates on his progress (or lack thereof). Every email that comes I open it with hope and optimism. Every email greets me with phrases like “aggressive lymphoma” or “kind of a rough start to the week” or “blood clot in the lung” or “we’re switching doctors to a more specialized onc.”
Nothing that would even give me cause to open emails with a hopefulness. Yet I am relieved to see an email update every time. Then distraught at what the email has to say. I always expect the best. I won’t say this is a flaw of mine, but it does lead to some pretty significant disappointments.
Today’s email snippets: “had a PET scan yesterday got the results today really not what we had hoped for we are basically back to square one” and “admitted back into the hospital today” and “going to start a new chemo” and ” longer in the hospital and just more intense scarier side effects.”
The tears don’t want to stop. Why him? Why couldn’t it be someone else? I know it’s not fair to wish that. “Someone else” would just be someone else’s friend. Someone else’s father. Husband. Son. And that’s not fair for me to wish on someone else. But Big Dan doesn’t deserve this. His wife doesn’t deserve this. His son doesn’t deserve this. And this big, massive group of friends that he has… We don’t deserve it, either.
Fuck cancer! I don’t even know what else to say besides that. Fuck you, fucking cancer!!!