Sleepless night. Restless day. Emotionally raw.

Yesterday was rough. R-U-F-F, rough!

Relationships are difficult. Months have past since that dreadful phone call last July. And I have gone a long time without crying about it. I felt like I was moving past it. I am for the most part. But sometimes it’s hard.

I have family pictures hanging in my living room and they’re old. Really, really old! My husband mentioned over the weekend that I really should update them with the pictures we took from the reunion a few years back. But I can’t do it. The pictures hanging on the wall are from a very happy time in my family and I can’t change them out. Not now. Maybe someday. Maybe that’s why my emotions have been so much on the surface. Thinking about those pictures from so long ago and the memories that went along with them. Thinking about more recent pictures and how it all fell apart. The comparisons between then and now make my heart sink into my stomach.

It was nice after work yesterday so I went for my run outside instead of on the treadmill. I ran past the middle school. I used to run there regularly. I haven’t run on that track since July. I was running there when I got the phone call and I can’t go back. When “Janie’s Got a Gun” comes on the radio I have to change channels because it was that song that was playing in my ear when I got the phone call and I can’t hear it anymore without tears. I can’t look at a picture of my brother without crying since the day I got the phone call. So many things changed in an instant.

I thought I had figured out how to deal with it all. But then it springs forth out of the blue again and I feel as though I’m back at square one all over. So I run. Such as it is for me. And the pain in my legs and lungs and hips overshadows the pain in my heart for a brief moment. Paired with the post-run adrenaline, it seems to heal what’s broken in me. So I’ll take it. Even if it’s just temporary. I’ll run.

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