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Did I tell you that I turned 50? Yup. I’ve been alive for a half a century. One of my daughters, when she called me for my birthday, said that she had just put my present in the mail so it would be late. She then called me every other day to see if it had arrived. She informed me that her husband had been the one to see it. He goes, “Oh man, we’ve got to get this for your mom!” Because he loves me.

It finally got here.

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Before you get all grossed out and say to yourself, “Why the hell would her son in law think this was the perfect gift?” Let me explain it, because it took me a minute, too. It says, “#1 Best Seller – A Comprehensive Guidebook: Information compiled by expert studies involving one on one field research. By Dr. Loveumore, America’s Foremost Sexologist.”

I opened the book to what should have been the title page. Blank. Turned to the next page. Blank. And the next and the next. All blank! I burst out laughing! I called her to let her know that her gift had arrived but got her voice mail. So I left her a message:

“Hey babe! I got your gift.

HA.

HA.

HA.

Very funny. Just so you know, WE STILL HAVE SEX…THINK ABOUT THAT, WILL YA!! I love you. Talk to ya later.”

OK. Probably not one of my more mature moments. But whatever. I’m 50. I can do what I want. Get off mah lawn, ya damned kids!

When Melissa called me back she could barely speak because she was laughing too hard. “Isn’t that the greatest!? All the blank pages. Hahahaha.” She was MOCKING me! So I did what any mature mother would do. “You know I’m going to fill that book with pictures and notes and send it back to you.”

Silence.

I thought so! It’s not so funny now, is it???

Well. I took it to work to show the girls because I knew they’d get a kick out of it (which they did). One of the girls asked me what the back said. Well shut my mouth! I hadn’t even bothered looking at the back.

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“Translated into 69 languages” NICE.

My favorite part?

Graduated Summa Cum Laude

Hah!

I’m glad my kids feel the need to torment me with such thoughtful gifts. I hope she remembers that paybacks are hell.

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