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You may not know this, but the elliptical was created to do bad things to people when anarchy ruled the land. You don’t believe me, do you? Well, then you should get on one!!!

Oh my fucking GAWD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got the elliptical almost a month ago. My husband gets bored really easily on the treadmill and he’s missed having an elliptical since ours broke just over a year ago. (or so. you know how my brain is) So we bought an elliptical. (I’m counting to see how many times I can say “elliptical” in one post….more to drive you crazy than me.)

Unlike our last elliptical, this one talks to you. Not verbally but in sign language, not unlike my sign of love and affection:  nln

I was prepared for a frustrating time setting up the program because Mark was cursing it, but  it was fairly easy. Select “cardio” instead of “strength training.” Select “beginner” instead of “intermediate” or god forbid “advanced.” Select “gentle hills” instead of any of the other tortuous sounding options. Select “start.” Ah, twenty minutes. That sounds good. I can get a nice beginner style workout done in 20 minutes. I am, for all intents and purposes, a beginner. Start pedalling. 30 RPMs. Sounds reasonable. Then in the corner the time clock counting down my precious 20 minutes goes away and in its place is a little running man charicature with big, bold words underneath it proclaiming, “FASTER.” Um, faster my ass. This is my warm up. Nope. It switched from the display with the gently rolling hills to a display that screamed out the incline, the resistance level, and “GOAL IS FOR 45 RPMs!”

Bite my ass!!!

So I sped up. It went back to the gently rolling hills screen and back to my timer. Already my legs were beginning to burn and I wasn’t even past resistance level 1. I’ll show you fucking resistance, bitch! For three minutes we stayed at level 1. I’m pretty sure this is what she intended to be my warm up. I can’t recall a time when I’ve poured buckets of sweat during a warm up.

From level 1 she moved to resistance level 5. God forbid we ease into it. I could hear my quads screaming at me. The sweat dripping from my face and running down the grand canyon accentuated the screaming in my thighs. They were drowning out the music. After seven minutes I had to move in a normal fashion so I stepped off the elliptical, walked into the other room and turned the music up. Fairly certain my neighbors seriously considered egging my house last night. But I had to have music blaring over the yelling of my muscles.

As I walked back into the workout room I could hear the elliptical bitch beeping at me. She knew I wasn’t there anymore and was going to make damned sure I knew she was displeased. I’d bet on the fact that she kicked up the resistance level when I returned just to spite me. After a couple of minutes, she rolled it back down to a four. That’s pretty good. Four wasn’t hurting as badly as five was. But then my timer disappeared and the little running man came back, “FASTER!” Then my gently rolling hills disappeared and took me back to the information screen: Incline 25, resistance 4, GOAL IS FOR 60 RPMs.

I’m RUNNING on the elliptical to get the RPMs to 60. Thighs, butt, calves, and STOMACH (what???) are on fire! Burning! I was actually relieved when it went back up to resistance level 5 so that I could slow down to 45 RPMs again. By now my quads are in pain. With each dip in the revolution I feel like it is going to give out on me. Mark’s at Wildwood and I’d be left stuck in the basement, straddled over the pedals of the elliptical, phone just out of reach, dinner burning in the oven. And there I would die. A quiet, welcome death!

I had to stretch my legs.When she dropped back to a level 4 (which, remember, requires 60 RPMS) I straightened out my right leg and with my arms, kept the revolutions at 60! Ah, sweet release! I went for a 30 seconds powering the elliptical with my arms so that I could straighten out my right leg. Then I did the same with my left leg. Ssssstttttrrrrreeeettttcccchhhhh!! It felt fabulous. I was able to manage the last bit of the workout exactly like the bitch told me I should.

I have never been so glad for a workout to be over! Sheer torture! But now I know what to expect. I’m thinking taking a 20 minute walk ahead of time will be in order so that my muscles are warmed up to MY liking, not to that bitch’s liking! Not sure what planet she’s from, but she totally doesn’t understand the concept of what a warm up should be!

Anybody want to buy an elliptical???

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