Paranoia Sets In

Friday is my six week post-op appointment. And I am struggling. Mentally. This is an unusual place for me to be. I’m one of those people who have a completely “I’m invincible” type personality. Nothing bad happens to me. I can overcome anything. I’m strong. I’m indestructible. Yet here I sit…two days before returning to the doctor… shaking in my proverbial boots.

I don’t know what “normal” is supposed to be for this stage of the healing process. All I know is that I still have pain. I feel like my bladder is still a little swollen. There is still some major swelling inside the vag where the sutures were. I have a difficult time getting the premarin cream inserted because of the swelling. I think that is the major thing that has me stressing out. The nurse said that it would take a good six months to completely heal, but what does that mean. Which part of the healing will take that long?

Perhaps it’s the unknown that is causing me such angst. I don’t know what “normal” is for this type of procedure. Every time I’ve talked to the nurse over the past six weeks she said it sounds like things are progressing normally. Somehow that isn’t enough to alleviate my concerns and the paranoia has settled in. The thought that I will never be normal again. The thought that I’ll live with pain the rest of my life. It’s got me on edge. I’m finding myself snapping at people for things that normally don’t bother me. I keep trying to remind my brain that I’ve dealt with everything for this long that I can certainly hang in there for two more days. Give the doc a chance to peak inside and tell me what he thinks.

How do hypochondriacs deal with life? Seriously. I can’t imagine living with these thoughts on a regular basis. I need to get this appointment over with so I know exactly what I’m dealing with so I can get back on track. The not knowing is killing me!

3 thoughts on “Paranoia Sets In

  1. Its better but not great. It depends on my level of activity…ie if I do a lot of stairs (and I mean a lot) then it sets me back. I have noticed that its getting better in semi imperceptible ways…….well maybe not so imperceptible, but the kind that creep up on you. Like our bed is quite high and generally put the bad knee up first. I haven’t done that without thinking about it for awhile and last night I did and at the last second cringed and the realized that it didn’t hurt much. Hopefully a couple of weeks will do it.

  2. I was thinking of you today, before I read this because I just know you’re going to kick my butt in the ‘get in shape’ part of your healing…….I’m lookingn forward to it ….sorta.
    Waiting is always the hard part. Good thoughts heading your way for the appointment.

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