Friday is my six week post-op appointment. And I am struggling. Mentally. This is an unusual place for me to be. I’m one of those people who have a completely “I’m invincible” type personality. Nothing bad happens to me. I can overcome anything. I’m strong. I’m indestructible. Yet here I sit…two days before returning to the doctor… shaking in my proverbial boots.

I don’t know what “normal” is supposed to be for this stage of the healing process. All I know is that I still have pain. I feel like my bladder is still a little swollen. There is still some major swelling inside the vag where the sutures were. I have a difficult time getting the premarin cream inserted because of the swelling. I think that is the major thing that has me stressing out. The nurse said that it would take a good six months to completely heal, but what does that mean. Which part of the healing will take that long?

Perhaps it’s the unknown that is causing me such angst. I don’t know what “normal” is for this type of procedure. Every time I’ve talked to the nurse over the past six weeks she said it sounds like things are progressing normally. Somehow that isn’t enough to alleviate my concerns and the paranoia has settled in. The thought that I will never be normal again. The thought that I’ll live with pain the rest of my life. It’s got me on edge. I’m finding myself snapping at people for things that normally don’t bother me. I keep trying to remind my brain that I’ve dealt with everything for this long that I can certainly hang in there for two more days. Give the doc a chance to peak inside and tell me what he thinks.

How do hypochondriacs deal with life? Seriously. I can’t imagine living with these thoughts on a regular basis. I need to get this appointment over with so I know exactly what I’m dealing with so I can get back on track. The not knowing is killing me!

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