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Today was my pre-op appointment to get everything up and running (or not running, as the case may be). They had to run some tests to see the extent of the prolapse and the amount of pressure (coughing, sneezing, etc) that causes leakage (yes…we’re getting personal here…surprise, surprise). So I had probes inserted in every opening down there (EVERY one) so that they could get a good reading on the machine of what was happening during the testing. I could watch the machine as all the various muscles moved. Pretty cool, actually, except that it was MY body everything was hooked to. One of the things they had to test for was to see what I could actually feel down there so they had to fill my bladder with fluid (catheters are typically supposed to be for EXITING but in this case they used it to fill me up. They were testing for the first urge to pee, the point where I thought “I should get up and pee at the next commercial” and at the point where I thought “Push pause, I can’t wait anymore.” The therapist and I were chit-chatting as she’s filling my bladder up and I went, “OK…pause the dvr cause I gotta go.” Once it was filled to that point I had to do the whole “turn your head and cough” thing to see what the results were (although I could have told her what the results were going to be, having dealt with it for a couple of years now.)

The whole time I’m sitting in this chair that has the center cut out so my ass was barely sitting on a ridge around the back part. Legs up in the stirrups. Funnel underneath the very obvious hole in the chair that would empty into a container that had CCs marked so they could measure once my bladder was emptied. They had to make sure that I was able to efficiently empty the sucker out.

After all the tests were done the therapist goes, “OK, now you just need to relax your pelvic floor muscles and empty your bladder.” She had me take my legs out of the stirrups and rest my feet on the foot rest just below the stirrups. I must have had the most blank look on my face as she’s telling me to empty my bladder and I said, “But I have a catheter in.” She goes, “Honey, you leaked around the catheter, trust me, you’ll be able to release your bladder.” She walked out of the room and I peaked underneath the blanket that was draped over my legs so that I could get a visual on the funnel (which was as big as my ass, so no way to miss). I just shrugged and went, “OK.” So, I start peeing. Next think I know I feel pee hit me on the back of my heel. I went “Whoa!” and then burst out laughing. Once I started laughing I could Not. Stop. Laughing!!!  Pee was going everywhere! There was no controlling it because I couldn’t stop laughing. All I could do was keep my damned feet out of the way so they didn’t get a shower!

OMG, I can’t even remember the last time I laughed so hard. It’s like all these months of pent up stress and frustration over the whole situation just completely released (along with 450ccs of pee). And to top it all off, because it was mostly saline solution they put up there it was COLD coming out! If you have never peed COLD liquid you haven’t lived, my friends!! 

I was still laughing when the therapist walked back into the room. I didn’t know what to say but through my laughter I managed to choke out, “I never miss at home!” She busted up and said, “No big deal, we’ve got a drain right there.” Then she picked up the container that was supposed to be catching everything and I managed to get close to 400ccs into it even considering that all hell had broken loose moments earlier. She was impressed. I am a champion pisser, folks!!  Thought you should know.

After I got done with that chore, cleaned up, got dressed, met with the doctor, scheduled the surgery, I had to sit with the nurse and the therapist so they could go over all the ifs ands and wherefores of the surgery and when we were done the therapist goes, “Have a merry Christmas.” I said, “Thanks…I already gave you my present.” Glad she had a sense of humor.

Embarrassing as all that was, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. It is amazing what laughter can do for a person. And it felt so good to just laugh!!!! No matter what the reason behind the laughter was.

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