A lesson in anatomy. Prepare yourselves.
Trying to prepare for my surgery next month is going to be the death of me! I feel like I am at the end of my rope and just can’t take the emotional stress of it anymore. I start thinking that I’m making progress, then I feel like everything is worse than it was before.
So…. a brief recap of the regimen that I’m doing in order to get my inside muscles to relax enough to have my surgery to fix the bladder:
- Four times a day something similar to Kegels. I call them Kegels for lack of a better word. Kegels is more contracting the muscles that stop the flow of pee. I am contracting the muscles that squelch a fart. They’re similar, but different.
- Every night before bed, stick a valium up my hoo-hah. This is to further assist the muscles in the relaxation process. That’s one of the side problems I have…muscles way too tense which causes (in essence) a charlie horse up there.
- Two times per week insert hormonal cream up there. The skin inside has to be healthy in order to hold stitches. If it’s too dry, the surgery can’t happen. Basically, I don’t want a leathery hoo-hah (for more reasons than preparing for surgery).
- Two times per week pelvic floor therapy. This involves a machine that is shoved up there, turned on to the point of being uncomfortable, which stimulates the muscles to the point of fatigue. The side effects of this machine is that for about 24 hours afterwards I have pain! Big time pain. I keep telling myself, if it helps get me ready for surgery then I’m willing to do anything. I want these issues resolved!!
I feel the pain mostly when I get in bed at night. Without the crazy running about I do during the day to distract me, I can’t help but notice the pain. Sometimes it wakes me up at night. This is from the charlie horse thing I’ve got going on up there.
I’ve been doing this routine faithfully. A week ago Saturday I noticed that I wasn’t having any pain. Sunday I didn’t have any pain. All last week I didn’t have any pain. I was doing happy dances all over the place because I felt like all my work was paying off. Then this past Saturday I woke up in pain. I don’t know why there was suddenly pain again. I felt like I had totally gone backwards. Sunday the pain was still there. Intensely. Monday through probably noon I was still in pain. When I have pain so many days in a row I begin to lose my shit. I can deal with a lot of pain. But so many consistent days in a row it wears on me emotionally. When this happens every little thing bugs the hell out of me.
I’m having a very difficult time being in the Christmas spirit. This normally isn’t a problem for me because I love Christmas time. But the anxiety the pain is causing. The fear that I’m not doing enough to be ready for surgery. The worry that something is going to get fucked up in this surgery like it did the last surgery has me big-time on edge. The logical side of me knows that I’m doing all I can. But my logic is having a very difficult time convincing my emotions that I need to just calm the fuck down!
Since a picture is worth a thousand words, check this out:
That reddish area you see? Those are the muscles that hold your whole pelvic floor in place. That whole area, if removed from my body, could fit in the palm of my hand. How can such a small thing cause so many issues? The two muscles that are circled? Those are the muscles that are charlie horsing (if that’s even a word). I don’t know how many of you have ever had ovarian cysts, but this charlie horse feels like that. I’ve had an ovarian cyst rupture before and it’s a very similar pain to that. Only the pain doesn’t go away one the cyst ruptures. It’s that kind of pain constantly. Tuesday, although was hectic as hell at work, was a pain free day. I look for Wednesday and Thursday to be pain free days also. Thursday is when I have to use the machine again so Friday won’t go as well (if history serves).
Monday I have my pre-op appointment and we will set a surgery date, which is tentatively going to be the second week in January. Also at that point, they will recalibrate the machine to increase the intensity. I don’t know what this will mean for my comfort level. If I’ll still feel like I’m taking backwards steps. I have to trust that all this is actually doing some good even though at times I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I will continue plugging along. Following doctor’s orders. Hoping for a good outcome. For now, I will just hope for a pain free Christmas day with my kids. Baby steps.