I don’t know how else to say it. I’m in a dark, angry place. Yesterday there was this huge sense of relief at being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Today there is vileness (if that’s even a word). And I’m mad at so many things.
I’m mad at the doctor for more than just puncturing my bladder sixteen months ago. I’m mad that she told me what the “hormone regimen” would be and then didn’t do what she said she was going to. I’m mad that I didn’t question things more. I’m mad that I can’t exercise the way that I want to. I’m mad that I can’t play volleyball. I’m mad that I feel pain when I plop down onto the couch. I mad that I have to sit down carefully to avoid pain and can’t just plop down. I’m mad that I’ve gained so much weight. I’m mad at myself for gaining so much weight. I’m mad that my blood pressure was so high at my appointment yesterday. I’m mad that I have to have another surgery.
I’m just mad! And I don’t know how to stop being mad. With all the relief I was feeling yesterday, it caught me totally off guard to wake up so mad. What is the next stage of emotion that I can expect? I mean, seriously, this is just not me! I don’t get mad for no reason. I don’t just wake up and instantly become angry. I feel like tomorrow I’m going to wake up and there is going to be some other bizarre emotion to catch me off guard, but I don’t know what that will be. They say there are stages to grief. Are there stages to … what is this … I don’t even know what this is called? It’s out of the realm of normal. And I don’t like it. Not at all. I don’t want to be mad anymore and I need to shake it off and pull myself back together. I can’t take another day of being mad. It’s exhausting!